Ode to a Burpee

I hate burpees.  Really.  Hate 'em hate 'em hate 'em.  The inventor of burpees must have been a sadist psychopath with a well-developed sense of humor.

We hates it, precious.

But, they're making me stronger, faster, more agile, and they're proving to be a fairly accurate indicator of my general fitness on any given day.

So, in this way, I love burpees a little, too...but just a little.

So, for those of you who didn't already make a face at the mere mention of burpees (and the few of you who are wild burpee-enthusiasts...and you know who you are.), I realize I may need to explain a little bit.

A basic burpee, also known as a squat-thrust or a 4-count burpee, is as follows:

From a standing position, 1.)  Drop to a squat position with hands on the ground.  2.) Extend both feet back in a smooth and swift motion into the front plank position.  3) Return feet to squat position.  4.)  Return to standing position.

Now, a few of you already have your hands in the air and are about to jump on my behind because I'm describing burpees incompletely.  You're not wrong.  You're not entirely right, either.  There are at least 21 generally accepted variants to the basic 4-count burpee, and some of them are flat-out nasty.  The ones I do add a pushup once I've reached the front plank position, and then instead of simply standing up from the returned squat, I jump and bring knees up to chest.  I like these because I don't have to think about all sorts of extra sequences, and they wear me slap out.

I won't go into major detail with all of the different burpees you can do, but a simple Google search will yield a veritable Burpee Baskin Robbins.  Enjoy responsibly.

If you want something nasty, and I mean really, really nasty, then be my guest with the BURPEE MILE.  Just in case you're wondering...I'm not freaking doing it...at least, not yet.  Here's how it works:  After completing a burpee (let's for argument say a basic 4-count), then perform a standing long jump.  Continue these two exercises until you have traveled a mile.  After that, your loved ones are free to peel your butt off the pavement and place you directly in Intensive Care.

I'll write a little more about the difficulties I have faced with some of these exercises in an upcoming blog post, but needless to say, a lot of up-down motion is tough for a guy currently carrying most of his extra padding in the midsection.  Do it anyway, gang.  It is a very old, well-respected, and home-grown American bit of fitness crazy.

Speaking of the history, the burpee was designed by American physiologist Royal H. Burpee, who got the living dogmess beaten out of him in gym class every day and once he completed his doctorate, he exacted grand revenge on EVERYONE, EVERYWHERE.  Okay, I made up the thing about gym class, but knowing high-schoolers, it takes a lot less than a weird name to get a basketball bounced against the side of your head in gym.  Seriously, though, the "Burpee Test" was a major fitness exam during World War II, and it was used to be a quick and accurate measure of strength, speed, agility, and general fitness.  It's still popular in the military today...just ask someone who has served or is serving about the 8-count bodybuilder, another burpee variant.

Alright, gang, time to stretch out a bit and prepare to teach a few voice lessons.  More coming at you tomorrow!