The Best of the Status of Ben Dawkins

Here it is folks, a greatest hits post! For the past year or so, the status update has been one of my favorite outlets for my bizarre musings. As this blog is dedicated to just that, I thought I would post some of my favorites from days, weeks, and months past. Here are the criteria...I liked it, others liked it...and/or it sparked a lengthy discussion of some sort.

Here goes (starting from the most recent):

Ben Dawkins is doing what he does every Friday night: ridin' around in the Mirthmobile, singing "Bohemian Rhapsody." Party on!

Ben Dawkins was just shut down by a bunch of Teamsters. They didn't say why.

Do sumo wrestlers get to write off ice cream as a business expense?

"The greatest thing about Facebook is that you can quote someone and totally make up the source." --Franklin D. Roosevelt

Remember when Tom Cruise was scary because he was a vampire and not because he was Tom Cruise?

As a 10-year-old, Ben Dawkins learned an important lesson when he saw Back to the Future part 3 before seeing the other two films. Lesson 1: Start getting used to confusion. Lesson 2: Try to get info in the order which it was meant to be received. Lesson 3: Pie tins make great frisbees.

Seen *carved* into a restroom stall today..."Don't carve your initials into things that do not belong to you."

So, I saw a snuggie ad recently and wondered, "How long was it before the snuggie-clad family at the sporting event got beaten up by drunken hooligans?" I'm thinking...not very long.

(in Jerry Seinfeld voice) : "What's the deal with guys in capri pants?"

When I feel depressed by the state of the world, I give myself a boost by putting on my nicest suit, heading into a heavily populated area, and asking perfect strangers to do preposterous things for a Klondike bar.

Too much Ha Ha, pretty soon Boo Hoo!

In the first hour of the last day of his Twenty-Sixth year, a toilet tank exploded in Ben Dawkins's face. A fitting adieu for a pretty rough year.

Ben Dawkins?!?!?!?!!!!! The same Ben Dawkins who saved the world from the alien pirate ninja invasion?!?!?!!!

Ben Dawkins is teaching small children why pattycake is an elitist, elitist game designed to keep the working class in line. Faster, plebe! Make the cake faster! Sowing dissention, as per usual.

Ben Dawkins is going swimming in a wetsuit made out of the ShamWow. Don't dive in after me or you could get seriously injured in the empty pool. The ShamWow...You'll say "Wow" every time!

On this solemn occasion it is important to take a moment of silence, for the Beastie Boys fought, and perhaps died, for your right to party.

(I recently saw this on a customizable pet shop sign--on 3 separate lines--no spaces) Live Bait Pomeranians

"Give me ambiguity, or give me something else."

Ever notice no one ever calls to tell someone the good things he did last night while he was drunk? "Hey Ben, you got ripped last night and painted the orphanage!"

Ben Dawkins thinks it's amusing that Paul Newman could make salad dressing look cool. I don't think any of the current A-listers could do that. Would you buy "Matt Damon's Own" salad dressing? No. You'd steal his lunch money.

Ben Dawkins appreciates your right to ironic and somewhat hollow assembly, but please, don't waste tea.

Ben Dawkins is [this comment has been removed due to legal action by the Church of Scientology]

Ben Dawkins is brought to you by the letters W, T, and F.

Ben Dawkins wonders, "Wouldn't they be Thirtysomething Mutant Ninja Turtles by now?" That would bring a whole new element to the movies...

Ben Dawkins doesn't roll on Shabbas.

Ben Dawkins believes whenever you hear the words "We specialize in customer service!"--be prepared for some major league BS.

Ben Dawkins spelled out his last name to the valet at the Hyatt...the claim ticket read "Dawlginks." Hmmm....

Ben Dawkins is vexed, riled, irked, ticked, honked, and pissed.

Ben Dawkins wonders about the Peanuts gang...How (with the exception of school) did a group of six-year-olds go for so long with absolutely NO adult supervision?


And now, for the no. 1 track--Ben's flip response to the "25 random facts" meme:

1. Ben Dawkins can slam a revolving door.
2. Ben Dawkins counted to infinity...twice...yesterday.
3. Ben Dawkins can lead a horse to water AND make it drink.
4. Ben Dawkins knows the final digit of pi.
5. Ben Dawkins doesn't wear a watch. HE decides what time it is.
6. Ben Dawkins can win a game of connect four in three moves.
7. If you spell Ben Dawkins in Scrabble, you win. Forever.
7. When Ben Dawkins falls in water, Ben Dawkins doesn't get wet. Water gets Ben Dawkins.
8. Ben Dawkins is allowed to use the number 7 twice in lists. Try and stop him.
9. When taking the SAT, if you enter "Ben Dawkins" for every answer, you will get an 8000. If you do this for the GRE, you are awarded an instant phD in Awesome.
10. Ben Dawkins once ordered a Big Mac at Burger King...and got one.
11. It takes Ben Dawkins 20 minutes to watch 60 minutes.
12. Thousands of years ago Ben Dawkins came across a bear. It was so terrified that it fled north into the arctic. It was also so terrified that all of its decendents now have white hair.
13. Simply by pulling on both ends, Ben Dawkins can stretch diamonds back into coal.
14. Ben Dawkins did in fact, build Rome in a day.
15. Ben Dawkins is the reason why Waldo is hiding.
16. Ben Dawkins once went skydiving, but promised never to do it again. One Grand Canyon is enough.
17. Ben Dawkins can win at solitaire with only 18 cards.
18. When Ben Dawkins does division, there are no remainders.
19. To be or not to be? That is the question. The answer? Ben Dawkins.
20. The First rule of Ben Dawkins is: you do not talk about Ben Dawkins.
21. Ben Dawkins rinses his contact lenses in Tabasco sauce.
22. Godzilla is a Japanese rendition of Ben Dawkins' first visit to Tokyo.
23. Ben Dawkins once participated in the running of the bulls. He walked.
24. Only Ben Dawkins can prevent forest fires.
25. When Chuck Norris goes to sleep at night, he checks under his bed for Ben Dawkins.