Truth in Advertising [or, Truth? In Advertising?]

So, those of you who know me well will probably attest to my occasional bursts of observational humor. I only say occassional because these events are punctuated by much more frequent attacks of accident prone, absurdist, "punny" (or "Hey you, look how clever I am!"), and generally awkward humor. Recently, a few friends commented on the very Seinfeld nature of my daily life. And, you know, they're probably right. So, from time to time (probably more often in the blog medium), I'll write a little something on the things I notice, and if I'm lucky, you'll have a little chuckle and maybe laugh when you see these things yourself.

First of all...butter commercials. Tell me, what normal human being attempts to put a perfect, artistic spread of butter right smack in the middle of a piece of toast? Let's face it--after the "easy preparation" in our toasters, most renderings of this breakfast staple look like this:

So, let's just be honest: if you're actually going to attempt to eat this lump of carbon that you have prepared for the MOST IMPORTANT MEAL OF THE DAY, then you're going to try and get butter from CRUST TO CRUST so that you're less likely to feel that you're eating wood directly from the fireplace. Unfortunately, the person before you (admit it...you) weren't exactly fastidious the last time you spread butter on toast, so now you've got little bits of charred bread in your butter bucket.

Not to worry--There is a solution! Did you ever wonder when you were going to get to use all of those elementary school craft skills out in the "real" world? I know I have! Since nothing I say will possibly be funnier than actually showing you, here's what some genius decided to patent:

That's right, kids....Butter! Stick type! (I'll give this a moment to sink in before we move on...)

So now, we move along from food to beverage. Riddle me this: When was the last time you were swayed by one of Coke or Pepsi's ad campaigns? Now, I live in GA, which is by and large a Coca-Cola state. But, I'll be completely honest...I've never gotten surly with the server at TJ Wherever's when she asked, "Is Pepsi okay?" Of course! Pepsi is fine! It's PRACTICALLY THE SAME THING! Now, I know that some purists are going to get after me saying, "I can tell the difference." Well, I guess on some level, I can too. I guess. But here's the question: Is this miniscule difference enough basis to form a preference? It isn't for me, and I'm very serious about my enjoyment of food and drink. My personal favorites are when the companies subject average people to a BLIND TASTE TEST. Well, I have heard both companies spout the same statistic based on the BLIND TASTE TEST, and here's my guess as to the inner monologue during a BLIND TASTE TEST:

"Oh no...they picked me! I just wanted to buy some fruit. Well, they're giving me ten dollars, which will be really useful when the mortgage payment is due. Okay, sip one. Well, this is definitely like every sip of a soft drink I've ever had. Here comes sip two...It's the same thing...What do I do? Everyone's watching me and this smiling freak is hovering like that kid who's always behind me at the copier...What do I do? What do I do?!?!?"

"Um...that one."

"You got it, folks, another Pepsi lover!"

Which brings us back to the first tenet of Statistics I learned in my AP class senior year...Statistics are not facts. As Disraeli so eloquently stated, "There are three kinds of lies: lies, damned lies, and statistics."

Okay, so I spent longer on toast and soft drinks than I expected. I always do. So, in the interest of saving time, here are a few in a more rapid fire style:

SuperCuts: Not quite true. Have you ever once gotten a haircut at SuperCuts (or GreatClips) for that matter that you weren't at least a little skeptical of? But, let's face facts, there is not a literate person in the world who would voluntarily go to MediocreCuts: Where the words "Just take a little off the top" generates the most random result you can EVER count on.

McDonald's...I'm lovin' it? Are you really? Why not You're out of anything resembling food and nothing else is open at 2:30. McDonald's, Your Last Resort.

While we're at it...Taco Bell..."Fourthmeal?" The company is basically saying, "Hey Fatty, I know you need something to eat at 1am, so we've come up with another meal so you can justify it!"

XBox Live..."It's Fun to Play Together." Yes, but together over the XBox? Why not in the real world with the Three Dimensional People.

Carlsberg, "Probably the Best Lager in the World." Really? Probably? Based on what exactly?

Verizon Wireless, "Can you hear me now? Good!" You see, what you can't hear in the commercial is the guy on the other line yelling..."What!?! ...I...n't....ea...ou. Damn phone." *click*

Cadbury's Fruit and Nut, "Are you a Cadbury's Fruit and Nut case?" I'll just let that sink in for a minute.

M&Ms..."Melts in your mouth, not in your hands." Anyone who's ever held an M&M for more than a few seconds will shout, "LIAR!"

Cremo Cigars, "There's no spit in Cremo!" Congratulations.

As a shout-out to my alma mater, Berry College, A Foundation for Life. Yes true, but wasn't it built on a series of sinkholes?

To end my talk on advertising, I'll leave you with this image:

Isn't that Babe Ruth? Trying to encourage Jimmy to eat a healthy breakfast??? Correct me if I'm wrong, but didn't Babe Ruth's breakfast usually consist of 3 cigars and a bottle of gin?

Ok, that's enough of that.

Since I enjoyed it so much last time, here's a segment that I'll try to include in my posts:

TUNE OF THE DAY (FANFARE)

Apocalyptica - In the Hall of the Mountain King (Edvard Grieg)

Punk Rock meets Romanticism. Just imagine if the audience at Symphony Hall started clapping in time with the string section...Oh, the carnage! I'm pretty sure no one plays the cello with the kind of swagger the dude with the soul patch and shaved chest does.